Exam-times

Disclaimer : An old post that I am publishing again with a few changes. This post doesn’t teach you how to study. To make out what it teaches you, do read it.

(three months back)

The last 3 days were spent reading a subject called parallel processing for the end sems and I was wondering all the time why was I reading it ???? How would it help me ???? I wrote the exam today and had an epiphany of sorts while writing the exam. Reading into the night till 3 and waking up at 6 for the exam at 8.30 leads to a hangover, even though you are sober.

The exam scenario (parallel processing exam)

I left one whole unit and spared myself and the teacher some work. I reached the college on time, seated myself. Now there! The seating is important. It is not just another seating. Seat yourself in a way that your eyes can make out what’s being written in the papers placed at some distance diagonally on both sides.

Sab upar waale aur teacher ke haath me hota hai(everything rests in the hand of god and teacher).

For those who didn’t know, Ghajini and Memento were inspired by me. In the exam hall, as soon as I have the question paper in my hands, everything freezes and I try to gauge the reactions of others before reading the question paper myself. It is then I have my Ghajini moments and everything goes downhill.

I started from the last question, a habit I have had since my 10^th std and slowly made my way up. In 1.5 hrs, I finished 2 units and was really happy. It was then when God decided to have some fun with me.  I couldn’t remember how to draw the reservation table from state diagram. The usually ice-cool me was sent packing to state of frenzies. As I looked around hopelessly seeking help with everyone was busy with their own papers, I decided to employ my strengths and tried using legilimency on everyone around me only to realise everyone else had mastered the art of occlumency. Damn you Harry Potter!!!!

With no other option, I decided to use my last option available to me. Till now I was running on uniprocessor. So I decided to turn on my other processors which are connected in parallel, but damn Amdahl was right. No matter how many processors were turned on, they weren’t helping my case. I decided to delve into my caches but due to cache coherence problem I was left helpless. It was then my pea brain was struck by a lightening.

 Before I tell u what I did, let me teach u some basic things,

Read-miss  : As Murphy would have it, what you decided to leave out comes in the paper. In such a case u can go for a write hit or a write miss

Read-hit : Whatever u read came in the paper.

Write hit : Whatever u write is bang on target. Two cases

In case of a read hit, u have a write hit.

In case of a read miss, u can go for a write but the chances of being write hit are very slim unless you are Bejan Daruwalla.

Write –miss : Whatever u write is shite.

Snoopy protocol : U try snooping on other’s papers hoping to catch some answers something that comes in handy every time. This is why the seating is important.

Gossip protocol: U try speaking to others in hushed tones for some answers. Yet another thing that makes the seating important.

With the help of the snoopy protocol and the gossip protocol, I managed to draw the reservation table and ended up scoring high in this paper.

 P.S:  None of the above methods work if you are seated in the first bench. 

Tollywood nonsense part-2

Here is part-2 of the Tollywood nonsense. If you have missed part-1 read here. Rest assured, after reading this post you are on course to make a super-hit Tollywood film.

So, what is the mantra to make a successful Tollywood film?

Good script?

Good casting?

Good music?

Good direction?

Good actors?

Well unsurprisingly, none of these.

Here is the mantra:

1: Script: Watch the Hollywood hits which the public are ignorant of. Get the script and action scenes translated to the Telugu styles.

 2: Write a script that contains a superstar, a min of 3 heroines and a thousand hit men. For the rest of the script, give it to a child and ask him to fill in the blanks. Don’t laugh as you are insulting the intelligence of the kid here. He would zero in on the script perfectly. Come to your conclusions now

3: Make sure you cast either of Balakrishna, Jr. Ntr , Nagarjuna , Venkatesh .

4: Cast heroines imported from Bollywood or Kollywood or models from Bombay, who must be half the actor’s age. Cast at least 2-3 heroines.

5: Next in line are the standard villains who have made their niche in the industry and are well-versed with their roles and their dialogues. Cast alongside them some 200-300 hit men who should look pitch-dark and resemble a mini-sumo at least.

6: Budget not more than 10 crores because other than the fees charged by the artistes, all you need are Tata sumos and Boleros. Locations and sets are in plenty.

7: Make sure the actresses have a role which doesn’t extend beyond dancing for the songs and is strikingly similar to the role offered to the one doing the item number.

8: Make sure the actresses wear skimpy outfits and are more than happy to reveal themselves.

9: The songs are to be shot abroad.

10: The film must have an apt title which should basically sound like dick, prick and other adjectives which describe the hero perfectly.

11: All fight scenes reveal the hero to be alone and fighting with bare hands.  Remember he has no limits.

12: The sumos must rise to a minimum of 20-30 feet in the air and demolished upon fall. They might even defy gravity for a while but then it is acceptable.

13: The sumos never run out of petrol. They are always ready for battle.

14: The hero should have a 2-3 sisters and there must emotional melodrama between them.

15: The music can be lifted from any movie without giving them the credits. It needn’t make sense either. It should have 4 love songs, 1 item number and a disco song.

16: The hero shouldn’t be subjected to difficult steps as one such act led to Michael Jackson’s death. It was suicide.

17: The hero should have punch dialogues.

Make sure your film starts in the following way:

1: Introduce the side-kick villain first who is showcasing his brutalities.

2: Let the music roll in. Make sure it is fast and trendy.

3: Show the hero running but don’t show his face. Let the camera start with his legs first and then slowly 

towards the upper body parts. No! We aren’t making a porn film here.

4: Show the side-kick’s associates flying all around.  Glass must shatter, blood must spatter.

5: The hero marks his entrance with titles rolling in showcasing his name and sparks flying all around. ex:  Yuva Samrat Nagarjuna as KING. The scene should evoke whistles and claps from the audience.

6: Introduce the heroine next in a rain scene and the hero falling for her.

7: Show the regular nach-gana and the drama involving the hero, his sidekick and the heroine.

8: Reveal that the actual villain is the heroine’s father.

9: Fights ensue between them involving the hero, the villain, a hundred hit men and sumos.

10: Hero comes out winning in the end without even a scratch on his body. The heroine may or may not be stabbed depending upon whether she is first choice or not.

 See it is this simple. All you need is the script which may undergo numerous changes with time as we have many Aamir Khans in the industry who make sure to drop in their valuable inputs from time to time. Remember the image of the hero is the priority. Irrespective of how idiotic the movie might look to the outsiders, I assure you the movie would be a super-hit and would run for 100 days in 200 centres.  

                 

Tollywood nonsense part-1

THE YOUTUBE LINK IS A MUST-CHECK. (provides more entertainment than this post)

This post will take you on a journey of Tollywood or to be precise movies made by the Telugu film industry. This is the 1^st part of the series which would present my take on Tollywood. The 1^st part focuses on the Tollywood actors and their gravity defying stunts .

Now most of you must have heard of Rajnikanth and I feel insulted when he is singled out for criticism especially his stunt scenes. One word: Ignorance. By singling out Rajnikanth , you are inviting the wrath of the Telugu film industry, whose actors make even Rajnikanth look meek.  There are many actors who vie for the very same awards many of you bestow on Rajnikanth. After all, Rajnikanth is one but here you have at least a dozen and counting. Since you all are familiar with Rajnikanth and his stunts, let me give you a fair idea of the actors from the Telugu film industry. Mind you but at no point of time am I exaggerating and will support my statements with proof and names so that you guys can check for yourself.

All the Tollywood actors are blessed with super-human strength but that is oblivious when their bodies are looked at. NO, their mothers didn’t dip them in the Godavari using their heels. Their source of strength is still being deciphered and shows no likely signs of being discovered.

1: Balakrishna :  Fondly known as Ballaiya, he is likely to be the winner as he is always one notch above others. He is a man of herculean strength. Every time he bedazzles me with his stunts and he can put anyone to shame.

The only one who has chased a train on a bike by jumping from one compartment to another of the same train.

He fires 2 bullets with such accuracy that they hit exactly the bolts which join the wheels of a plane.

The only one who is honoured to have reversed a train with his finger. No, he didn’t even fart. Even Popeye needed spinach , Spiderman and Superman needed super-human powers.  He is also credited with burying 2 full grown men into the earth with nothing but his hands. No, he is no HULK.

He also climbs a mountain easily, no mean feat for him but then you can see the effort on his face. He manages to stretch his arms while climbing, with a hint of Lakhsya’s music in the background and ends up saving a rabbit from an eagle.

There are countless others which I can recollect but I want your brains to be in the right state so that you can finish reading the post .

2: Nagarjuna :  Best known for his comic relief but I never really paid any attention to his stunts.

Known for diversionary tactics by raising dust in the air to fend off his attackers and then clear the dust from the air and inscribe some drawings on the dust which is still in the air.

His best stunt so far : he hits two men and they are lying on the ground wincing in pain. A third one enters and he is kicked into the air with such force that when he falls on the ground the ones lying on the ground rise into the air as if they are playing with an invisible see-saw .

3: Chiranjeevi :  like Rajnikanth is to Tamil cinema , he is to Telugu cinema. In his movies , anything can happen and he can do stunts which will leave you gasping in disbelief though not enough to beat Balakrishna.

I won’t know give a description because he has retired from cinema and he is not coming back unless he realises he is a political failure and decided to entertain us.

4: Ram Charan Teja : the lastest sensation and kid on the block. Son of Chiranjeevi, this guy fought off 100 guys on his own on a small bridge and even managed to walk a few steps and squeeze in a few romantic dialogues with his heroine before he died. But before I could celebrate his death on-screen , he was reborn and yes in the same movie .

I have left a few who will be covered in the coming parts.

These guys provide my dose of humour whenever I am low. I know I haven’t done justice to their acts . But you guys can do so by at least checking on the links below unless you decide to watch one of their movies.

I hope I have given you a fair idea and next time before you decide to tag Rajnikanth, you better watch out for yourselves.  I am providing you a with a few links so that you can entertain yourselves  as I am pretty sure the post would have out you to sleep.

All the scenes feature in this except for one which I am unable to find but will post the link as and when I find it.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xmEms4o_LWY&feature=related

P.S: planning to start a film blog where I would post my reviews of the movies I watch and my take on the Indian cinema. What do you guys say???