Tollywood nonsense part-2

Here is part-2 of the Tollywood nonsense. If you have missed part-1 read here. Rest assured, after reading this post you are on course to make a super-hit Tollywood film.

So, what is the mantra to make a successful Tollywood film?

Good script?

Good casting?

Good music?

Good direction?

Good actors?

Well unsurprisingly, none of these.

Here is the mantra:

1: Script: Watch the Hollywood hits which the public are ignorant of. Get the script and action scenes translated to the Telugu styles.

 2: Write a script that contains a superstar, a min of 3 heroines and a thousand hit men. For the rest of the script, give it to a child and ask him to fill in the blanks. Don’t laugh as you are insulting the intelligence of the kid here. He would zero in on the script perfectly. Come to your conclusions now

3: Make sure you cast either of Balakrishna, Jr. Ntr , Nagarjuna , Venkatesh .

4: Cast heroines imported from Bollywood or Kollywood or models from Bombay, who must be half the actor’s age. Cast at least 2-3 heroines.

5: Next in line are the standard villains who have made their niche in the industry and are well-versed with their roles and their dialogues. Cast alongside them some 200-300 hit men who should look pitch-dark and resemble a mini-sumo at least.

6: Budget not more than 10 crores because other than the fees charged by the artistes, all you need are Tata sumos and Boleros. Locations and sets are in plenty.

7: Make sure the actresses have a role which doesn’t extend beyond dancing for the songs and is strikingly similar to the role offered to the one doing the item number.

8: Make sure the actresses wear skimpy outfits and are more than happy to reveal themselves.

9: The songs are to be shot abroad.

10: The film must have an apt title which should basically sound like dick, prick and other adjectives which describe the hero perfectly.

11: All fight scenes reveal the hero to be alone and fighting with bare hands.  Remember he has no limits.

12: The sumos must rise to a minimum of 20-30 feet in the air and demolished upon fall. They might even defy gravity for a while but then it is acceptable.

13: The sumos never run out of petrol. They are always ready for battle.

14: The hero should have a 2-3 sisters and there must emotional melodrama between them.

15: The music can be lifted from any movie without giving them the credits. It needn’t make sense either. It should have 4 love songs, 1 item number and a disco song.

16: The hero shouldn’t be subjected to difficult steps as one such act led to Michael Jackson’s death. It was suicide.

17: The hero should have punch dialogues.

Make sure your film starts in the following way:

1: Introduce the side-kick villain first who is showcasing his brutalities.

2: Let the music roll in. Make sure it is fast and trendy.

3: Show the hero running but don’t show his face. Let the camera start with his legs first and then slowly 

towards the upper body parts. No! We aren’t making a porn film here.

4: Show the side-kick’s associates flying all around.  Glass must shatter, blood must spatter.

5: The hero marks his entrance with titles rolling in showcasing his name and sparks flying all around. ex:  Yuva Samrat Nagarjuna as KING. The scene should evoke whistles and claps from the audience.

6: Introduce the heroine next in a rain scene and the hero falling for her.

7: Show the regular nach-gana and the drama involving the hero, his sidekick and the heroine.

8: Reveal that the actual villain is the heroine’s father.

9: Fights ensue between them involving the hero, the villain, a hundred hit men and sumos.

10: Hero comes out winning in the end without even a scratch on his body. The heroine may or may not be stabbed depending upon whether she is first choice or not.

 See it is this simple. All you need is the script which may undergo numerous changes with time as we have many Aamir Khans in the industry who make sure to drop in their valuable inputs from time to time. Remember the image of the hero is the priority. Irrespective of how idiotic the movie might look to the outsiders, I assure you the movie would be a super-hit and would run for 100 days in 200 centres.